anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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