you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He better not be in your backpack
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
