hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
