my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
