I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
