i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
