After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
