Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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