dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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