Fine. I'll sleep in my office
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
