i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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