Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
