Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
