I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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