So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
sex in a hospital.. check
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
