my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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