No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
