Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
