be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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