I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
