I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
