his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
