Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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