nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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