I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I didn't notice because vodka
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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