hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize