i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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