I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
