The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
When did angry sex become our thing?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
