They should really pass out barf bags in church
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
