Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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