wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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