My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
