I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
