Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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