I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
