genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
