Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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