My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
