I think i peed on brittanys purse
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
