Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize