He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
