Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
