I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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