Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
