hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
