I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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