I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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