Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
