Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
