He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
