There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
