sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
