what day is it and did you see me today?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
