I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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