my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
