Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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