also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize