I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
